really feel down these few days.
dont know why though. havent really have
the time to sit down and talk to myself.
self-reflection, i call it. its a once in a while kind
of thing. maybe THIS is a form of self reflection
too. its funny why people go after a certain thing
and after a while, they lose their directions. why
are they after it in the first place? what do they
get out of it? is it just for the benefits? what else
is there? is this a form of self torture? i tend to lose
my directions easily. whenever im stressed or tired.
i question myself. why am i doing all this? what is this?
who am i doing it for? how do i make myself feel better?
everytime i try to come to terms with myself. its
for my future. i want to be a teacher. im studying for
the sake of it. and also to learn. i mean i enjoy learning.
maybe not all of the times but most of it. though i
complain alot. i feel a sense of achievement when i realise
that i understand what i didnt understand during lectures
when i revise it at home. and that's where it stops. most of
the time i read to be able to do my tutorials. but often, after
reading, i become lazy. lazy to even do my tutorials. and thats
when the stress starts to accumulate. all the undone
tutorials is killing me. coupled with other committments that
i have - cca, family, etcetc (there's always endless things that
will try to weigh you down if you get what i mean), i often find
myself tired and breathless. yes, breathless. hard to breathe like
what cedric always says. you see less and less of motivations.
more and more things coming in. an inlet but not an outlet
to release all these things that weigh you down.
i comfort myself by saying that this is what JC life is all about.
but once again, i seem to be pushing all the blame to the
JC system. is that really ok? i dont think so. of course, there's
no doubt that the JC system is challenging. but whether it is
fufiling depends on the character and the endurance level
of the undertaker, doesnt it? and im starting to doubt whether i
really possess that abilty. i think im making not much sense here
but i just feel like typing out whatever i can think of now.
its horrible to force it down my throat when its already in my
mouth. bad analogy but whatever lah. and its even worse when
you find that you are not able to complain or just tell anyone
because they are undergoing the same adjustment process as you
and that they might not be taking it too well either.
finding that im really less and less energetic nowadays.
as in im feeling really fatigue. tired. physically and mentally.
i sleep at almost 3am these few days because of the incompleted
tutorials and tests. i feel like breaking down and just not do and
think of anything when im at home facing the four walls of
my room. i feel like staying at home and not going to school.
i feel like the time when i was in primary school again.
when i was in primary 3, i used to fake stomachache whenever
it was time to go to school. i hated to go to school because
of some bullies in my class. and, of course, because the teacher
hates me. haha. thinking of it, i guess it was then when i tried to
toughen myself up. like being loud and all in order not to get
bullied. maybe that was when my character was being moulded.
or rather, i should say that was the first main change in my life up
till now. NOW is also a period when im undergoing changes.
really, changes.
today, during compass, simone was touching my hair and short was
like shocked that i allowed her to touch my hair.
"you allow people to touch your hair one meh?"
it sort of reminded me. YAR. i used to hate it when people
touched my hair. i will be damn irritated. but yet, now, im not
responding to it like i would. why? i dont know. maybe im tired to
respond. or maybe, there's a new environment. if you know what
i mean. like back in secondary school, i was damn noisy and all.
not that im not noisy now. but, i was bad. vulgarities in my speech
were as common as how i ate lunch everyday. now, im really damn
nice and good. that was until yesterday and today.
maybe its because my class people are good people. though i heard
some mutter under their breath before. to tell the truth, i was
shocked. though i do that myself. it just feels weird not hearing
it come from hengxin or trudy or kai or jasminetan. im sure you
get my point. yes, changes. like get use to it!
dont know why im feeling this way but im feeling damn stressed now.
its an omen. i dont want to face it. i really dont want to.
just let me rot lah. im really feeling like a zombie now.
i really dont want to scold. but fuck it.
i really hate it when i feel sad. damned.
today was mrloh's last official lesson with us. dont know whether its
only me but i felt quite sad. afterall, i think he's he only teacher who
likes me. and he's like my favorite teacher because he can really teach
and he is like sooooooooooo entertaining lah. think he hinted to us about
farewell when he mentioned that 107 danced for him. he must have
expected something from us. think we disappointed him. but its
okie. good things are worth the wait. he'll see tommorrow.
i'll also see tommorrow. see the god of death because i think im
am so freaking screwed and dead.
oh god. im really sick of this.