they're doing well without me.
thats good. cause im trying t see how long
i can refrain myself from that.
i keep telling myself not to go there.
not because i dun lik it anymore.
its jus some personal stupid reason.
but well afterall i haf my reasons.
good. the blog is alive finally.
but i am angry.
somehow. i tink this reflects badly on some
ppl. i dunno. but i tink im the only one who feels this way.
it'll be difficult i tink.
to carry out that promise. i dun wanna carry too high a hope
and end up disappointed. who am i afterall to care?
when a person gets too involved in sth when others dun seem to
bother or choose bother because of her, that person
will get tired. and sick of it. for me, i chose to lose hope.
dun wish to get all screwed up for that matter.
u noe how !%%#@ i felt when i said i wun care anymore.
im trying to protect myself.
dun want t get hurt anymore.
things at home are horrible.
noe why? cause i came to this world in hope
of a happy family. in hope that i'll be lik some who
came down here before me. to be able to live life happily.
but apparrently i was disappointed. and the more
i compare. the more i pity and hate myself.
self-pity. wtf is this? i hate myself for this.
why are others able to haf peace, and i not able to?
yes im selfish. i chose to close myself up.
so that they cant hurt me. but they used this as sth to
attack me wif. when i chose t talk, i stupidly chose to tell them
only half of what i felt. and that din help.
which makes me conclude that talking doesnt help either.
what am i suppose to do?
sometimes i tink that they'll be better off without me.
i mean they can smile and laugh with him.
but not me. sometimes im envious of him.
yar u can laugh. i jus dun seem to be able to live with them.
i dun feel that im part of them.
wads a family? i dunno.
u shd go ask the me when i was a 6year old.
maybe she'll noe better.
i saw. as a pillar of support
and now i noe that i've finally lost .
i can feel it
its not that i dun wanna ask ppl for help.
its jus that i dun think my frens will be able to help
with this kinda stuff.
have u ever experienced this?
i dun wan to end up with ppl telling me to
look on the bright side or treating me lik a freak.
sure i told a person before. my so called fren.
she appeared shock and acted remorseful for asking me
what happened. cause she kept probing.
after that. nth reli happened. she din say anything.
and once during a conversation.
she mentioned something that i din wan to hear.
she din realise. she forgot.
the sensitive me jus looked away. and try to not speak to
anyone for the rest of the day. but i failed.
i rmb a particular time when i was given a task.
i couldnt finish it. but i wasnt reli concentrating.
i was tinking about wad was happening at home.
a fren was with me at that time.
i broke down and cried. because i was worried
and scared about things at home.
but she tot that i was crying about the job that
i was suppose to complete. i din tell her.
i jus wanted to have a chance to vent my feelings out.
have you been hurt?
and that u acted t be not affected in front of that
person. and after she left, u bury ur head into the pillow
and cry lik there's no tmr.
im used t it. im actually amazed at how hard i cry.
i cry without noise at all. so there are times when i go to
bed early at 10 plus when they are still doing there stuff.
and i cry. silently.
no one noes.