things couldnt be happening that way...
i felt lik dying when i saw that sms.
why? so finally im to be given up on. when i looked
up, i saw that i was on this building.
for what reason i din noe. then my body began to take
control. it lurched forward...
NO!!!!!!
then i woke up with a stream of tears flowing
from my eyes.
that was what i got for having a nap in the afternoon
a total nightmare.
after i got home all dejected and tired.
i dreamt that a person gave up on me.
that person sms-ed me this
"i been wanting to tell you this. u shd learn to survive on ur own.
thus i wil not help u from today onwards. do not come and look for me
anymore."
do u noe how much i was aching when i saw that msg?
it jus seemed so real - real in a dream.
things flashed across my mind when i saw that.
it was wad i was dreading. then. i knew it was over.
i did not know how t reply that msg. cause i din want to.
i remembered staring at the phone screen and i was then dragged
to the building... subsequently i was pushed forward
and teleported to another place where i had another dream.
guess it has sth to do with wad i was thinking about in the afternoon.
junru was sick. hence i brought her home and all.
throughout the journey, i spoke very little.
or rather we din speak at all. i was too preoccupied
with stuff. i cant take it anymore.
too many things on my mind.
family and studies were enough to kill me.
i reli dunno when i'll break down.
during math today, for some reason i was damn bloody high.
yea and luhuan was lik" are you too stressed?"
i denied and continued acting lik an idiot when i knew that
was the reason. i jus din expect anybody to guess it.
although i though she jus guessed that randomly.
jus got back my math test. it was a fucking B. i havent got a B
last year at al. but this year i was faced with a several Bs in a row.
for this and all the previous tests.
it made me feel lik a fucking bum.
a worthless asshole.
dun look at me that way.
i know some ppl get even lousier marks than me.
but for fuck's sake. i used to get 80+ for every math test and rite
now, 40+ days before prelims im faced with this kinda rubbish.
who wouldnt be stressed. I AM STRESSED. who wouldnt be screwed.
at this rate. im never going to get into the JC that i want to get into.
whenever i ask ppl round me bout math,
its either they look at me and say they dunno too
or they look at me and gimme 2000 worth of words of why they
dun understand this too. so at the end of the day,
nobody is able to help me.
mrs lim? rite. she goes so freaking fast lik some bloody bullet train.
how am i ever gonna catch any balls. it seems lik she doesnt even noe
of my existence. im negligible.
weird and stupid thoughts have been infesting my mind these
few days. maybe not these few days.
can you imagine that a pri 3 kid would look at the window and imagine
what will happen after she decided t take that step? that was what happened
when i was in pri school and i was for some reason thinking alot.
now. i've been thinking bout ways to leave.
the most conventional way being to take that step
and jump. even on the mrt jus now. i was looking at a HDB
and thinking of the mess i would be if that were to take place.
stop staring at me lik that.
i know its stupid of me to think that way.
but im desperate. do you freaking noe how it feels lik
to be living in a place where you think you are the odd one out.
u cant adapt to the way they live. u noe u are not happy.
thus u channel all ur energy to studying.
feeling that its only right to do that as a kid.
but when even study fails for you, how would u feel?
u have lost it. nothing works anymore. u feel lik a bum
u feel lik a fucking loser. u want ppl to help you.
but u dunno how t go about it. u think its diulian to
ask for help. u thus strike help out of ur solutions.
u think of ways to leave this situation.
of course im stil in the right state of mind now.
i noe that its stupid of me to think that way.
and i noe i wun do it not cause im thinking for other ppl
but cause i dun wanna be stupid.