i noe the first week of term three is gone.
zzz. so siann. its gonna be stress stress
and stress next week for ahscds ppl. jiayou yar.
and for myself its self denial and self denial...
no time left t study le lahh! diao.
noe jus now yeokseng came back.
and talked t the few of us yar.
then he was saying this lame story of this
gal who hated her parents lik crap
then one day i tink she randomly wanted
to tell her parents she loved them but in the end
okie this is one cliche ending but yar anw
she wanted t tell them she loved them and in the end
when she got home, her grandad told her that her
parents died in this car crash. while crying. okie this
is one lame story. and apparently i showed this diao-ed
face after listening. but. it got me thinking real hard
deep down. most of the time, reaity is lik this. i mean
the most absurd things happen. for all you noe, u might
be the one in that gal's shoes lik 5 years down the road.
not that im cursing anybody but im jus trying t show that
yes what u do not expect might jus be what u might face
in the future.
yes u tell me to treasure them. u tell me t love them.
u tell me this u tell me that. but why din anyone try telling
them that? why does it have t be me? sometimes i try hard t
talk to them nicely, lik u noe. even trying t talk t them
becomes a challenge t me. i dun talk to them. so thats why
whenever i talk nicely t them, they tink im trying t get some
money outta their pockets or sth. so thats what they tink. and
they will start t talk t me without any patience at all. and
that tone, i dun freaking lik it. tell me how im freaking
suppose t talk t a person nicely when that person is lik
scolding me and talking t me in such a tone that is apparently
trying t tell me that THEY ARE ALWAYS FREAKING RIGHT AND I DUN HAVE
A FREAKING SAY IN WHATEvER FREAK THAT I DO.it turns me off.
and sometimes, when i talk, they scold me. when i dun talk, they
scold me all the same. so obviously i become smarter and dun
waste my energy talking rite. tell me how freaking true that is.
and i've tried it. try t block out all their voices. plug in my earphones
when they are talking t me. walk away without saying anything at all.
shouting back at them. talking back t them nicely. i've freaking tried
it all. sometimes it does work. when they are in a good mood.
but most of the time it doesnt cause in their freaking brains,
they have already regarded me as some problematic kid that u cannot
speak nicely t. u mus scold me t drill something into my head.
and so they do. they tink im a rotten kid. they tink ive not done enuff,
they say it in front of me. spit it all out at me. YAR AND I CAN TELL
YOU ALL THAT THE MESSAGE FREAKING GOT THROUGH. I NOE WHAT THEY SOMETIMES
SAY ARE TRUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I CHOSE TO BELIEVE IN WHAT THEY SAY,that is not
true at all. i believe that im a rotten person. i believe that im hopeless
and stupid. it got through . i do listen. slowly, i became the
kind of person that u all tink i am. i allowed myself t be lik that.
my fault. but not entirrely mine. jus today. i shouted at u.
someday, i'll leave. if you dun lik me, you can freaking kick
me out. you can. and i seriously dunno why u are keeping me when
my existence is bothering you all so much.
why wun u all believe me? i am trying.
but no one believes me. no one wants to help me.
why do u all prefer him to me? maybe im
too sensitive. prove me wrong then.
我也是人。我需要有人来关心我，照顾我，爱护我。
因为害怕受伤。因为害怕面对现实。 因为害怕不被接受。
选择戴上了面具。戴上面具的那一天。失去了身份。
永远也找不回的身份。
外表像小丑，内心似小丑鱼。
这种感觉谁会了？
脸上带着的面具总有一天得摘下。
到时候，陪在我身边的又会是谁？
还是注定我将一人挨过。
天晓得。