='(

dun anyone care? reli.
most of the time, ppl see things
only from their point of view.
they dun try to see it from another point
of view. they tink wad they see is correct.
from wad i see. the world is an ugly place to live
in. it is totally not worth living in. not unless
there are things that motivates u to continue
living. but when things turn out real wrong
u'll most prob feel lik u are living in hell.
so why not skip living in this world.
go right to hell. sometimes things turn for the better
but that is rare. lik damn rare. so what bout other
times? when its lik u are travelling in a direction
that is not in ur favour. i suppose experience this
kinda feeling. its not only me. but its not the same for everyone.
the extent of how serious it is and how u face it determines
whether u are gonna tide over this thingy.

u noe i always think i am optimistic.
i dunno whether its reli that way or im jus
bluffing myself. i dun wanna noe anyway. but.
this kinda feeling whereby i dun even noe myself
makes me feel damn pathetic. i always appear to be
damn paikia. putting on a brave front. making all kinds
of lame jokes and criticising everything i see. trying to make
ppl arnd me laugh when i dun even think my jokes are funny.
sometimes i enjoy the peace whereby nobody is around me and
im given time to reli think about stuff. but other times, i reli need
ppl to be there for me. i need ppl to care for me. to be concerned
bout my well-being. often ppl dunno that. they tink i shd be okie.
well sometimes i am reli okie. but other times im not. i need ppl.
but i jus dunno how to open my mouth to tell them.
i tink they will jus shrug and tink that im weird.
wad can i possibly be going thru? everyone has their own problems
so wad makes u think that wad u are going thru are more impt?
who am i? reli. wad kinda person am i?
im trying to be me. but environment forces me to be someone else.
i hate it when im going thru this kinda rollercoaster thingy.
i tink im happy when im not. i tink im sad when i am not.
wad the shit is this. who is controlling my life?
why are you making me go thru this kinda shit?
wad are u trying to achieve? what do u gain by making me feel this way?

sometimes i realise that im only still 15.
maybe i shdnt tink things the way i think of them now.
i shd jus pretend that i dunno certain stuff.
but they dun allow me to do that.
they mus make me think lik an adult.
u noe what u always see on tv shows?
what the adults are always worrying about?
that adults haf all kinds of problems.
i used to think that those adults are lik lame.
why think so much? jus enjoy lah.
but now i realise that its almost impossible.
they mus make me wake up from all that.
they make me worry bout things.
they make me think about wad im going to do if
they are not there. they pose me all kinds of questions that
kids dunno how to ans. how am i suppose to ans that?
they use death to scare me.
they ask me about stuff that im probably gonna face
in 10 or 20years down the road. if i ever get there.
come on man. give me a break.
if u continue to do that. i'd rather u kill me.

how vulnerable is life?
walking on the road might get u knocked down by a car.
walking down the stairs might result in u falling to ur death.
quarreling wif someone might result in u getting stabbed to death.
eating a fish might result in u choking on a fish bone
etcetcetc...

trying to hypnotise myself into believing that im happy!
im happy happy happy.

i love you
you love me
we are happy family
with a great big hug
and a kiss from me to you.
wont u say u love me too.

i hate this song.
a stupid song with a propaganda that is to trick
kids into believing that all families are happy and that
they shd love their family.

if they reli cared. they wld haf remembered.
if they reli cared. they wld haf done it long ago.
if they reli cared. they wldn have been so obsessed wif gossiping that they dun bother bout this at all.
if they reli cared. they wldn have made broken promises
they are spose to do it.
not me. i dun mind doing it. but they promised
they are the ones who volunteered to do it.
why dun they remember,
doesnt it matter? dun they care bout it?
i dunno why i care soo much when nobody remembers it.
i speciallly went to lik ask arnd and see if they needed help or anything
but they said they dunid help.
and will settle it asap.
but i dun see any results at all. why?
pls dun make me dislike u all.
i care. but pls stop showing that kinda attitude and do something.
can somebody jus do something? if u are willing and have the heart?
im also willing to help u. it takes two hands to clap.
i cant possibly do all the stuff by myself.

walking down the path which never ends...
shd i or shd i not end it myself.
will u accompany me?