wad exactly is happening to me?
i cant seem to noe wad e heck im feeling now?
i dunno how im supposed to feel now?
sort of demoralised
not because of the exams
getting more and more rebellious by the day
dun wanna be lik that
there's a voice telling me not to do that
but i cant help it
im losing control of myself
struggling
but dunno wad im struggling for
i dunno wad i want now
i dun lik it when im not in control
at least not the logical and li zhi side of the brain im sure
my blardy nutcase side of the brain seems to be in control now
i noe right from wrong
but i jus seem to get happy when i see them 'lose'
lik when i say sth n they get dumbfounded
i seemed to have said sth that is true
and which they thot i wld neba say
ya i do feel that way
happy?
at least for a second or so
this feeling is so fake that
after that
i dunno wad im feeling oredi
numb
sad and that im the world's biggest asshole
i tink i reli am
that is not an excuse
i reli dun think u shd use that as an excuse
its not fair
not fair to us
not fair to me
why am i always the one to go thru all that?
u shd be able to control that dun u?
and if u are saying that u cant?
does it mean that i can lose my cool
and shout at u?
i dun wanna do that
im not supposed to do that
sometimes
i imagine myself running away
breaking free from all these
but i dun dare to do that
im scared
i can run
but i cant hide forever
im scared of being hurt
to prevent that
i put on a mask
or rather i dunno if thats a mask
cause sometimes i reli feel that way
i put on smiles everyday
smiling at ppl
sometimes even cheer ppl up
wad am i doing?
im geikiang
trying to cheer ppl up when im not even happy
so does that mean that i noe how to be happy
but i dun want to
or isit that something is holding me back
i dun deserve to be happy
wad i experienced proved me true
im lost
where is the real me?
where is the me when i was still eating my lolllipop and playing at playgrounds?
wad have happened ?
im lost in a maze
a blardy big maze that i myself have created
its all my fault
blame no one but myself
just myself